Are you the Villain in Someone Else’s Story?
We are all the main characters of our own story, but are you the antagonist in someone else’s without even knowing it?
Let me tell you a story that was a turning point in how I approached colleagues at work.
Many years ago, I was working with a cross-functional team to develop a summit for folks across the company. We were a team of 6, doing these duties on top of our regular job-related tasks. Things were overall going well, but there was one member of the team that frequently missed meetings, did not follow up with communications, and was not as engaged as the rest of us. We tried to give them feedback throughout the process, but the communication did not seem to improve.
Things came to a head the day of the event.
Instead of attending a key part of the summit, this individual went to have lunch with coworkers. Myself and the rest of the team were highly displeased and I decided to confront this individual. I thought that I had the right to give them this feedback and wanted them to know how their lack of commitment looked bad for all of us on the event planning team. Unsurprisingly, that conversation did not go well, as I approached it with some indignation that automatically brought on defensiveness.
I was giving them feedback from MY side of the story.
What I perceived: Lack of commitment, disengagement, and little care for the success of the event.
What I did not know (and did not find out until months later) was that their partner was in the hospital throughout the event planning and summit. This individual had so many things they were worried about and trying to work through over this time. I only saw what I saw, and made assumptions based on that. I did not consider the other things that could be going on in their life and how that affected how they were showing up at work.
A few weeks after the event, I got some anonymous feedback via my manager that I could tell was from this individual. It was not good. In a nutshell, it stated that I was not listening to their opinions and was antagonistic. From their perspective, I was a villain. And after reflection, I understand why when looking at the situation from their perspective.
What they perceived: I was rude, confrontational, and unconsidering. A villain in their story, adding stress to an already stressful time in their lives.
This was a big learning moment for me. I had two paths emerge:
Path 1: I could ignore this feedback and keep pushing for high quality results regardless of the cost to the people around me.
OR
Path 2: I could change my approach to how I was viewing my relationships with others at work, centering on understanding their story and how that interacts with their behavior on the job.
I chose the second path, and since then, I have seen improvements in not only my relationships, but my ability to move projects forward. Focusing on understanding my colleagues and where they are coming from has helped us collaborate more effectively, leading to higher productivity and results.
The good news overall, is that we CAN learn and grow in ways where we are less likely to be the villain.
Here are a few places to start:
Understand yourself, including your weaknesses and pet peeves as they can drive your interpersonal relationships and reactions at work. These are likely to be some of your trigger points and biases that will prevent you from taking a step back and investigating other perspectives.
Build in time to emotionally regulate and check in with yourself throughout the day. This is a small practice that can go a long way. Even five minutes to sit with your feelings and recognize that you are not in a great head-space, will help you understand how you might show up for others.
Build understanding towards your colleagues- Instead of assuming the worst (i.e. they are lazy and just don’t want to do the job), assume that your coworkers are dealing with other factors you do not know about that are contributing to their behaviors. If you can, get some 1:1 time to ask them how they are doing and what you can do to help any of your joint projects succeed.
It is unlikely, but if the other individual in this story ever does read this post, I am sorry and I am on a continuous journey to improve. I hope that you are well, and I am sorry for the negativity I likely added to your life during a difficult time.
Let’s commit to being better and not getting lost in our own story.
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