The First Step to Empathy is You

Empathy is all about showing compassion and concern for others, but it comes a lot easier when we are in tune with ourselves. 

Research indicates that the more we understand our own emotional reactions, the more we can be aware of others’ emotions (Psychology Today). One piece of this is a popular term in today’s world- emotional intelligence. Emotional intelligence is the “ability to identify and manage one’s own emotions, as well as the emotions of others.” To begin, are we able to not just recognize what emotions we are feeling, but govern them as well? For example, maybe you have a big stressful presentation to your VP next week- what are your emotions around it? How do those emotions seep into your behaviors and interactions with your coworkers? 

Surprisingly, the act of empathy consists not just of the emotional centers of our brain, but the conscious cognitive parts as well (Decety & Lamm, 2006). Parts of our brain naturally mimic other people- which is why smiles and yawns can be contagious. Yet, to not fall down the rabbit hole of fully experiencing someone else’s emotions, using our ability to monitor and balance our own emotions is essential to empathy. Hence, we can feel for another person, but control our own reaction to those feelings. 

Understanding ourselves and our reactions can be particularly important for those that lead. 

When you know what situations tend to grind your gears and get you to a place of negative emotions, you can learn how to work around them and put practices in place for you to recover so it doesn’t bleed into your relationships with your direct reports. For example, are you always upset after that weekly meeting with the frustrating cross-functional leader that likes to throw obstacles in your way? Maybe block 30 minutes for yourself to regulate, so you are not passing on that frustration to your team. 

Spoiler alert: You will never be a “perfect” leader who never making mistakes or shows negative emotions. The good news: your team doesn’t want that. They want to see your vulnerability, but in a way that they can understand. The best managers I have ever had were the ones that were open and upfront about their flaws and willing to work on them. They always asked for our feedback, and they listened to it with an open mind. When you are open about your own development areas, your team can relate better to you. 

How can I better understand and share my tendencies?  

A good place to start is to understand your personal styles towards reacting and communicating at work, so you can better understand how you show up in different situations. For example: 

• What is your communication style? 

• Do you tend to speak while thinking or think before you speak? Do you prefer to read complex information about a project in an email or review it in a meeting? Understanding how you intake information the most effectively and sharing that with your team will help them understand how to best present to you. 

• What are your work preferences? 

• Have you ever thought about how much time it takes you to recover after each meeting? Do you get anxious when folks call you without warning? Observe how you are feeling throughout the work week and come up with some ground rules that you can share with colleagues on how they can best interact with you. These could be as simple as “I prefer 48 hour notice of meetings when possible” or “I like a tl;dr in my emails if they are over two paragraphs.”  

• What are your strengths?  

• What are some abilities that you have that maybe not everyone on your team has? How can you utilize those strengths throughout your work and relationships with coworkers? Knowing what you are good at and sharing those skills with your team members can drive success. 

What if I don’t know my style or strengths? Taking assessments, such as Gallup’s CliftonStrengths or Hogan’s personality profiles, are one way to help you build a better understanding of yourself. 

Remember, we are constantly growing and changing. Self understanding and development is a continuous process and it is ok if we stumble at times. Giving yourself compassion and understanding is the key to evolving. 

Interested in deep diving into this topic? Take our upcoming virtual workshop Empathy Starts with You